The best things in life come at a price
by Lu78
Summary: When Happiness turns to sadness what will happen
1. Chapter 1

Nothing could take away that moment of happiness for me. She lay there in my arms. She was only moments old and she was mine. Well I suppose I have to give him some credit. He did help make her. He is standing over the top of us smiling like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I gave him the child he has always wanted. Not a son, to carry on the Carter family name but a beautiful baby girl for him to fuss over and for her to become a daddy's girl. Maybe next time would be a son.  
"I'll be back." He told me as he left the room to go downstairs and let everyone in the ER know. He was desperate to tell someone.  
I looked back down to our daughter who lay in my arms with her beautiful brown eyes staring up at me. She has her fathers eyes. The eyes that I can never say no to. She is going to be exactly like him. I won't ever be able to say no to her either.  
Lying here with her is magical. John's been gone for almost thirty minutes but I can't say that I noticed. She has fallen asleep, her little head resting on my left breast as her little hand rests on my right breast. Her lips are pursed together and her eyes screwed tight. I had been humming to her before she fell asleep, she seemed to like it as she drifted off to sleep. I could easily join her. It is true what they say about child birth. It really is tiring. I feel my eyes closing when I hear the door open and he's back. He creeps up to the side of the bed. "Hey, everyone says congratulations. Susan said she'll be up as soon as she can." He kisses my forehead as my eyes close again.  
Hearing voices woke me again. I could hear the excited tones of his voice. "She is just so tiny. Look at her little fingers." I opened my eyes to see John and Susan standing over the bassinet looking at our daughter. I cleared my throat letting them know I was awake. "Your awake." John came back over to the bedside an kissed me again.  
"I am, hey Susan. Did you manage to escape the hell hole of down stairs?" My voice sounds kinda raspy. I suppose it's from lack of sleep and all the screaming I did while I gave birth to her.  
"Yeah, I did. Abby, she is absolutely gorgeous. She is so like you." Susan said with pride in her voice. Susan longed for a child of her own but it just never seemed to happen for her.  
"She has her fathers eyes." I told her. John smiled at me. He had seen her eyes just after she was born and we had both agreed that they were definitely his.  
"Well, I hope it won't hold her back." Susan laughed as she spoke. She loved making fun of John. "Aw Carter, you know I don't mean it." She pulled his cheek, making me laugh at him too. He had his big sad eyes and pouty lips on making it hard not to laugh at him. 


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later I was sitting in my hospital bed with her in my arms. I can't help it. I just can't stop holding her. She still has no name, we just can't decide. Watching her is fantastic. She is becoming more alert. She keeps her eyes open for longer, just looking at me and John. The first time she really looked at me it seemed like she was saying 'I know you.' She really does look like me, but those eyes they are most definitely her fathers. Speaking of her father where is he. He was here by this time yesterday morning. Not to worry, he'd show up sooner or later.  
It's now two hours later and he still hasn't shown. Now I'm starting to get worried. Surely he would have called to let the nurses know if he was going to be late. The baby starting crying, letting me know she was hungry. I walked across to the bassinet and picked her up. She snuggled into me as I walked back across and sat on the chair by the window. She latched on immediately the same as she had since the day she was born. Watching her, I didn't notice the door open. "Abby." I looked up to see Susan standing in front of me. Her voice sounded different, almost as if she had been crying. She looked as if she had been crying as well.  
"Susan, what's wrong?" I asked as the baby stopped feeding. I lifted her over my shoulder where she ceremoniously let out a burp.  
"EH, we've just had a major trauma downstairs." Susan started to speak. She took a breath before starting again. "Abby, John was in a car accident on his way here this morning."  
I looked at her. "No, your lying." I looked into her eyes. She had the look that told me she wasn't lying. He had been in an accident. "Is he all right?" I looked back into her eyes. They had filled with tears. I could see her bottom lip tremble. I knew what she had to tell me, something I didn't want to hear. I shook my head towards her. I could feel the tears in my eyes. "No. No." I cried out. Susan came across beside me. She put her arms around me and held me. She was sobbing more than me. But then she had been down in the ER when he had died. Oh God! He was dead. John, the love of my life was dead. My body didn't feel like my own, I couldn't stop crying. My crying started the baby crying. My baby. His baby. She would never know him. My daughter would never know her father. She had no name and now we wouldn't get to name her together. I would have to name her myself. It was really hitting home. He wasn't going to walk through that door again, I would never see that smile again, those eyes would never shine on me again. Thank goodness she had his eyes. 


	3. Chapter 3

Walking into the house was strange. We had talked so many times about bringing our child home. He always said he would carry us both across the threshold, now as I stepped over it my daughter hiccuped. I smiled down at her. She didn't know what was going on, some day she would but for now she was innocent. "Mrs Carter, we weren't expecting you home."  
"Don't worry about it Amanda, we'll be fine." I said to the maid. She had been one of Gamma's staff who had stayed on when John and I decided to move into the mansion. She was also going to be the babies nanny when I eventually decide to go back to work.  
"the house won't be the same now." The deep voice came from the corner of the hallway. I turned to see Algeirs standing.  
"I know, but somehow we have to manage." I didn't know where this strong voice was coming from. Inside I was cracking up but somehow for them I was managing to keep it together. "Algeirs can you help me upstairs please."  
"Of course Mrs Carter." I loved hearing that name, although I used to hate it. it made me sound like John's mother. Algeirs took the bag from me as I carried my daughter upstairs and into her nursery. John had decorated it himself. I lay her down in the crib and left her, walking towards our room. Opening the door I could see Algiers placing my bag down.  
"How are things coming along?" I asked, knowing he knew what I was talking about.  
"Very well. I contacted Mr Carter the other day and he is on his way. He was supposed to be here yesterday but he is stuck in London until tomorrow morning. The other Mrs Carter will arrive at the same time. The funeral is set for the day after. Mrs Carter, I never got the chance to say how sorry I was about Master John passing."  
Hearing his name made the tears well in my eyes again. "thank you Algeirs, I'd like to be on my own now. Thank you for everything." Algeirs nodded and left me alone. I stood there in the middle of the bedroom we shared and began to cry. So much had been said in this room, so many promises made. Now there was nothing. I stared at the bed. Perfectly made by Amanda. I walked to his side and picked up his pillow. Placing it beside my face I could smell his cologne, his sweat, him. I sat down and looked to his bedside cabinet. I smiled at the photo he had sitting beside the alarm clock. It had been taken on our honeymoon in Barbados. We had just come out of the sea and had lain back down on our towels. He grabbed me and stuck the camera in front of us and took the photo. Our faces were squashed together and too close to the camera but it was such a great photo. Sitting beside the frame was a notebook. Picking it up I read the top line of the page.  
  
NAMES FOR BABY  
  
Ellie Trueman Carter  
  
Millie Margaret Carter  
  
Robyn Millicent Carter  
  
Mackenzie Abigail Carter  
  
I smiled, he must have thought of them after she had been born. None of them were names we had discussed previously but I have to admit I love  
the name Ellie. SO my daughter is named, Ellie Trueman Carter. Just at that she began to cry. I walked back to her room and picked her up from her crib. "Hey there Ellie, it's all right. Mommy's here. I'm not going  
anywhere. I promise." 


	4. Chapter 4

I must apologise for the long delay in this next chapter. I have been without the internet for a week and it killed me. I couldn't update my story or read any new ones so I apologise.  
  
Note for:- Bookstitch and Jasonsgurl :- I'm sorryt hat I killed Carter but other people seem to write stories where Abby gives birth and then dies. I just thought I would try the other way round.  
  
The following morning dawned bright and sunny. It was the height of summer I suppose but here I was in a dark place. My husband was dead and I was burying him tomorrow. Our daughter lay beside me. She had been awake quite a bit in the night, so I brought her in beside me. She seemed to sense where she was and had been quiet since she lay down. She was lying on his side of the bed. Wonder if she knows. Maybe it's his smell, maybe that's what is keeping her calm.  
I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Amanda and Helen stood working. Helen busied herself over the stove while Amanda was working at the sink. "morning." I said, letting them know I was in the room.  
"Morning Mrs Carter, breakfast will be in a minute." Helen told me. Then she saw Ellie. "Would you look at this little one. Mrs Carter she is adorable. She looks like you."  
"Thank you Helen. Amanda, do you know when Mr and Mrs Carter will be arriving?" I asked the young girl.  
"Algeirs said he was going to the airport at ten to collect them both. They called this morning to say what time their planes were arriving."  
"Thanks. Helen , if you don't mind I'll skip breakfast. I'm not all that hungry this morning. Ellie and I will be in the garden." I walked out the back door and down into he garden. You could easily get lost which was good when you didn't want to be found. Which is exactly what I wanted today. I couldn't deal with John's mom and dad. I know I have an obligation but I am dealing with my own grief. I gave birth four days ago and dealt with the death of my husband two days ago.  
Ellie had drifted back off to sleep in my arms. I didn't want to be parted from her. I couldn't put her down during the day. I had to have her beside me, close to me, the way John used to be. He was always beside me. Arms were always wrapped round me. Kisses always placed on the hollow of my neck. Hands on the small of my back leading me to secret places.  
Closing my eyes I could imagine him here with us. Sitting under this tree with me in his arms and Ellie in my arms. It was something we had always talked about while I was pregnant. We loved sitting under this tree. Especially at night. Watching the stars, trying to name as many of them as we could. John could always name more than me.  
I eventually went back into the house in the evening. Ellie and I had been outside all day. I didn't care that I hadn't seen John's parents, I was planning on avoiding them further. I sneaked past the lounge where I could here them talking. Upstairs I didn't bother putting Ellie in her nursery, I wanted her with me. I lay her down on the bed while I changed for bed. She had slipped into a dreamy looking sleep as I lay down beside her.  
After a few moments I could hear a faint knock on the door. "Abby, are you okay?" It was John's mother. I stayed quiet to give her the thought I was asleep. I must have worked because I heard her feet move away from the door. I would have to deal with them in the morning. The morning would come, tonight, I just wanted to be on my own. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Mrs Carter." There was a soft knock at my door the following morning. I could hear Amanda's soft voice from the other side.  
"Come in Amanda." I told her. The door opened and the young girl came in. She was dressed in black, all ready for the funeral. I too was dressed. I had dressed in my black trouser suit. He had always loved me in it. He said it made me look so sophisticated.  
"Mr and Mrs Carter are wondering if you are joinging them for breakfast?" Amanda asked me in such a small voice I had to strain to hear her.  
"I'll be down in a minute, thanks for coming up Amanda." The girl smiled before turning and leaving. I turned back to Ellie, who had fallen back to sleep. I had dressed her in white. I could never dress her in a dark colour. She's too young. White suits her. It's one of the outfit's he bought for her before she was born. He loved the colour white.  
I walked down the stairs leaving Ellie asleep in the room. She looked to peaceful to wake. Too many upset people downstairs anyway. The house was filled with a buzz. People rushing from here to there without really having anything to do. Walking into the dining room a silence filled the room. Jack and Eleanor stopped what they were talking about and looked at me. Now no matter what they thought of me when I married their son, they were here and with me. Jack stood first walking up beside me. "Abby, how are you?" He asked me, his voice was strong and meaningful. He enveloped me in his arms. Now I see where John got his good hugs from.  
"I'm doing........." I couldn't finish the sentence but he seemed to know what I meant. "So sorry about yesterday."  
"Don't apologize Abby," Eleanor said, "You have had a lot to deal with over these last few days. You needed time. We understand that." Eleanor also enveloped me in a hug. Hers not quite a motherly hug, more a sympathetic one. I know she has lost both her son'd now but she still shows no emotion. She is sucha cold person. "Where's the baby?"  
"Asleep, she didn't have a good night, much the same as myself. She'll probably be up in a little bit." I said as I sat down at the table. John and I hardly ever ate in this room, only when his parents came over or we had a dinner party. There was an awkward silence while we ate and I was glad when Ellie started to cry, it gave me a much needed excuse to leave the table. 


	6. Chapter 6

The cemetery was busy, busier than I had expected it to be. But then again, he was loved by everyone. You couldn't not love the man who was my husband. I sat in the car with Ellie watching everyone milling about. It reminded me very much of Mark's funeral. Although this time around everyone seemed shell shocked. When Mark died, we all knew it was going to happen. This had blown everyone out of the water. I saw his parents taking their seats and the spare seat beside them. It was for me. I just couldn't bring myself to go out there just yet.  
The chauffeur opened the door as I lifted Ellie into my arms. The day was warm but I had her wrapped in a one of John's grey cashmere sweater. His smell seemed to keep her calm. I certainly kept me calm all the times I had needed him. I stepped out of the car and squinted my eyes at the bright sunlight. Walking up to the grave site I could feel every set of eyes on me. They were all watching for a reaction, a tear, anything. I couldn't look anyone in the face, I quickly took my seat beside his father. Ellie had fallen asleep in my arms and hopefully she would stay that way, for if she woke, she would cry and that would set me off. I was determined not to cry. I wasn't used to showing emotion in front of these people.  
"We are gathered here today to say good bye to a much loved man of our community. Doctor John Trueman Carter the third MD passed from this life into another a few days ago. He leaves behind him, his mother and father. Also his wife and young daughter. Young Ellie Trueman Carter met her father for just two days before he was cruelly taken from her."  
When the minister said this I broke down. I couldn't take sitting there anymore. I stood and walked away from the grave site. I could here the minister stop. I could hear the small talk and someone walking up behind me. But I kept on walking, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I would deal with this in my own time. "I'll be fine." I said without looking back. "Go back, I'll be there in a minute. Tell the minister to continue." I brushed the tears away from my cheeks and snuggled Ellie closer to me. She took that moment to wake but instead of crying she just looked at me. "Everything will be okay baby. I promise you that." I kissed her little hand before walking back to the grave side. Taking my seat again Jack took my hand into his and gave it a squeeze. I glanced up to him and gave him a small smile.  
The service continued and before long in came time to lower his coffin into the ground. I couldn't bear this part. I wasn't ready for him to be completely gone. I wanted to be in there with him. All three of us lying cuddled up in each others arms. Just like I had imagined. But no, the coffin began to lower and I could hear sobs from the people behind me. I still couldn't look anyone in the eye. I just held Ellie closer to me. She didn't know what was going on. I wish I was like her. She just looked at me with those eyes. They had a glint in them like she knew and was trying to tell me everything was going to be OK. Holding her I reached down under my chair and removed two roses. One red, one white. As everyone was beginning to leave I stayed in my seat. Maybe by the time I was back at the house I would be able to speak to people. Jack and Eleanor left me alone at the grave side so I could have a minute on my own. Eleanor offered to take Ellie but I couldn't let her out of my arms.  
I stood and threw the two roses into the grave. "John you know that I'll always love you. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. No- one will ever take your place. Not in my life or Ellie's. She is going to grow up knowing who her father was and how he was the best man in the whole world. Sweet dreams." 


	7. Chapter 7

Back at the house I sat in the car for ages. I couldn't bring myself to get out and go into that house. It was a house that was filled with promises that would never be fulfilled. A house filled with memories. Memories that I would never forget. Memories that were going o keep me warm at night. Ellie looked snug in her car seat. So snug that moving her would have been a crime, but I had the urge to have her in my arms. To hold her, to kiss her soft cheek, to smell her baby scent. She had been encased in John's sweater all day and when I held her close she smelt of him. His cologne, the one his grandmother had bought him not long before she died.  
In the house people milled about, but thankfully no-one noticed me entering. At least I thought no-one had. I continued past the lounge and on up the stairs into Ellie's nursery. It was such a beautiful room, all done in cream and lemon, but John being who he was knew I was having a girl. We hadn't found out when I went for all my scans but he said he knew that she was going to be a girl. In honour of that he had painted butterflies all over the room. He said that if I was the tornado she would be his butterfly. "And you are." I said to Ellie, "you'll always be his butterfly." Ellie just stared at me, with a look on her face as if to say 'is this person for real.'  
I stood beside the window looking out over the gardens. People were out on the patio talking, I could see Peter Benton and Cleo talking with Elizabeth and Kerry. It had been so long since I had seen any of these people, especially Peter and Cleo. I really would have to go and talk to them.  
"Abby." The voice came from behind me. It belonged to Susan. She had come to find me. I knew that she meant well and it was probably her that came after me in the cemetery.  
"hi Susan." My voice sounded suprisingly strong. I turned to face her. She smiled at me and Ellie before crossing the room to see us.  
"Abby, how are you?" It was the question I had been dreading all day. I didn't want everyone asking me how I was, or how was I coping because I'm not coping. I'm living in a huge house that I don't really like. There are hundreds of people waiting to talk to me about how sorry they are my husband is dead. People wanting to hold my baby and say how much she looks like me when I know she looks like him in her own special way.  
But I answered accordingly. "I'm fine." It was an out and out lie but Susan knew me and if I answered that she knew not to push it. "How are things going down there?"  
"Okay. People are asking where you are? You ready to come down?" She looked at me with knowing eyes.  
"I don't know Susan. I can't face everyone. I know I have to at some point but just now I can't." I could feel the tears in my eyes again and didn't' want her to see me cry.  
"What if I came with you?" She asked looking me in the eye. Susan was such a good friend. She's been there for so much and now wanted to do this for me. I nodded placing Ellie in her crib, placing John's sweater on top of her and lifting the baby monitor. Susan placed her arm around me and led me towards the door.  
At the door to the lounge I stopped. "Come on." Susan said leading me by the shoulder. I took my first tentative steps into the room. Everyone seemed to stop and look at me. I turned to Susan.  
"I can't do this." I pleaded with her to let me go. I can't do this, please Lord let Ellie cry or something. I don't want to be here.  
"Yes you can." Susan said leading me over to the doors leading out to the garden. I could hear muttering of people as we passed them, nothing I could make out though, just eyes staring at me.  
"No I can't." I said as I ran from the room. My throat constricting as I ran for the stairs. I couldn't breathe. I only made it half way up before everything went dark. 


	8. Chapter 8

When I came round I was lying in my bed with Susan and Elizabeth surrounding me. I started to panic. "Where's Ellie? Where's Ellie?" I could hear my own voice echoing around the room.  
"Abby, calm down. Eleanor's got her. It's okay." Susan's voice was soothing but not as much as my daughter lying in my arms would be.  
"No, you have to get her, she has to be here with me." My voice sounded terrible. I had never been this frantic about anything before. I could feel the tears in my eyes but I willed them not to come. I could hear Ellie's cries getting louder as Susan brought her into the room. "It's all right baby, Mommy's here. I've got you." I snuggled her little body close to mine and inhaled her scent. She smelled like baby powder and Eleanor's overpowering perfume. She didn't smell like her daddy anymore. "Can everyone just leave me alone please." Elizabeth nodded and began to leave the room. She knew how I was feeling. she had gone through this not that long ago. "Susan, can you get everyone downstairs to go as well." I had a huge lump in my throat. I wanted to be alone to cry my heart out.  
"Sure." Susan's voice was quiet. I listened as her footsteps got further and further away. Ellie had settled in my arms. She looked up to me with those huge brown eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her. I pulled the blanket John had given me when I found out I was pregnant around us. He had always said I was to imagine every time I was wrapped in it, I was really wrapped in his arms. He was always so thoughtful. I lay his sweater over Ellie as she yawned before closing her sleepy eyes. "Abby." Susan's voice appeared in the room again. "Everyone's gone. Just checking if you need anything before I go."  
"Susan, will you stay?" My voice sounded pathetic. I don't think I had ever sounded worse. Here was me big brave Abby, needing someone to stay with me.  
"Of course I will sweetie, anything for you." Susan came round to my side of the bed. I could see her face smile as she spotted Ellie in my arms. "She has been so good today."  
"I know. It's amazing what a sweater can do." I kissed my daughters head. Susan looked puzzled. I knew I would have to explain myself. "She's been wrapped in John's grey cashmere sweater all day. It's funny but when it's beside her she is calm and quiet but when she isn't near it, she cries for ages. It's like she knows it was his. His cologne is still on it and I hope it never wears away." 


	9. Chapter 9

It's my babies first birthday. A year ago today Ellie Trueman Carter was born. I smile when I open my eyes thinking of my sweet little girl lying sleeping in the room next door. She started walking last week. She is so cute, toddling all over. It's hard keeping up with her.  
I walk into her room and there she is sitting up in her cot with the biggest smile I have ever seen. She always smiles when she sees me, the same way that I smile when I see her. She really does light up my life. "Happy Birthday Baby Girl." I say as I lift her from her cot snuggling her close to me. She fusses and tries to push me away desperate to be put down. I oblige and down she goes, toddling across to the little table that sits in the corner of her room.  
On the table sit a few photographs. People who mean something in her life all have a photo on this table. I like her to know everyone loves her. When she raches the table she stretches to the picture of John. "Dada."  
She spoke! My baby said her first word. I am in shock. She knows who he is. I rush across to her and scoop her up into my arms. "Yes baby that's daddy." I give her a kiss before she starts fussing again.  
Downstairs the staff have really gone to great lengths to make this a special and happy day. I am so grateful to them. John left the mansion to me and Ellie in his will and it took me a long tme to realise that this was where I wanted to be. It was so him. He was everywhere in this house and this was where I wanted Ellie to grow up. The staff had stayed with us, Amanda was great with Ellie and had been looking afetr her since I had returned to work.  
Work was going great and I still loved it as much as I did before Ellie was on the scene. Everyone had been fantastic since John died. They knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me but I couldn't forget how much they loved him. Susan had been exceptional. She really is a true friend to me. We would sit some nights telling silly stories about John, or just reminiscing. Sometimes those nights would leave me in tears but over the year I am learning to cope better.  
Around two pm the doorbell rang. Ellie took her toddling steps to the door while I followed. Opening the door, Susan stood on the other side her arms ladened with gifts. "Hi Susan." I said taking some of the parcels from her.  
"Hi, where's the birthday girl." She said crouching down to Ellie's level. Ellie toddled over to her and gave her auntie Susan a big cuddle. "She's walking!"  
"Yeah and that's not all." I motioned for her to bring Ellie with her into the living room. "Ellie tell auntie Susan who that is?" I said holding up the picture of John.  
"Dada." Ellie said proudly. I could see the tears spring into Susan's eyes. She smiled at em and then at Ellie before giving her a huge kiss.  
"She said it this morning. Susan, all those stories I tell her, she must know who he is." I can't help but smile. I miss him so much but Ellie really does help. She is the best thing in my life even though I paid the highest price for her.  
  
AUTHOR'S Notes:- Hope you liked this, please read and review. I really enjoy reading what you think of my stories. 


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